She Never Leaves the House

If you haven’t heard the word “unprecedented” in the past two months, that’s because its use is unprecedented. Or maybe you thought you were hearing “un-presidented,” which sometimes it feels like we are.

But as a mythically rested mother, I would like to point out just how precedented the stay-at-home world is. If you have never wondered what it feels like to be home with children, who tend to get sick with something contagious every other week (and they take turns), then settle in for some fun. F-U-N fun.

I would like something I do to stay tidy, so let me illustrate in list form:

  • You do not casually leave the house. Ever.
  • If you do leave the house, those who see your goobery, coughing child step away from you at least six feet and glare at you for potentially exposing them
  • Your shopping cart is full of the essentials: toilet paper, diapers, cleaners, and donuts
  • Instead of packing around a mask, hand sanitizer, clorox wipes, and a distancing apparatus made of pool noodles, you have a screaming toddler and a bag full of snacks, toys, technology, and sedatives. You won’t catch germs from anyone, unless again, a glare transmits pathogens.
  • Still, going to the grocery store feels like a salvation you can’t explain
  • They’re out of everything on your list (but this time because everyone else was shopping the same ads and doubling the same coupons you were)
  • You attempt to save money in every way possible as the homemaking, non-breadwinner on the team, so everyone is sporting homegrown haircuts. Except you. You have pulled out all of your hair.
  • You leave your make up on the shelf
  • Everyone expects you to be home all day with a refrigerator and never gain weight
  • If you try to work from home, you never get anything d…o………n……………..__ Wait–what was I doing?
  • You have all this time (ha!) to clean, organize, and decorate your home, but it looks like you hired a drunk tattoo artist and a poltergeist to do those things for you
  • Unless you want social services called on you, a child with a fever means you stay home. No park, no camping, no amusement park, no church, no school, no lessons, no extracurriculars, no babysitters, no theaters, no dine-in restaurants, no bars, no nightclubs, no…hold on–what kind of mother are you?
  • You haven’t set an alarm clock in decades
  • You have to guess the day of the week based on when your garbage was collected
  • It should be strange that you stayed in your workout clothes all day and working out never did work out
  • You have to make meals from the ingredients in your kitchen
  • When the internet goes down, you lose your last connection to the real world
  • Sometimes you scroll social media and re-post memes for hours just so you don’t set fire to your house
  • It feels like all of your neighbors are getting ready for the garden party of the century: putting in a new deck, redoing their landscaping, repainting, remodeling, and not inviting you over
  • Amazon Prime is your backdoor man
  • You read and write blogs, hoping to find others like you
Taking out the recycling is a family outing worthy of make up, a smile, and a photo (in case it never happens again)

5 thoughts on “She Never Leaves the House

  1. Oh Elissa, I miss you! Never has a list been so relatable. I’d like to pin it on my forehead so that when my introvert husband asks again why the quarantine can’t last forever, he can see why I might not share his sentiments.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes! This blog helped me find someone like me:) I hope your husband gets cabin fever eventually–there are limits to how much disconnect a person can take. And I miss you too! I love reading about your family:)

      Like

  2. I just read your May 2 blog. Too funny. (Too true.) I just want to let you know that there can be “light at the end of the tunnel.” Finally, after 43 years of marriage and one year after retirement, it only took two months after being home with just one person (after all the children left home, the mother-in-law moved in for a few years; then, one child moved back to stay until eight months after the mother-in-law died) to learn what it is to have a good night’s sleep and actually feel well-rested. The first morning when I woke up and felt rested, I started to feel a sense of what? Guilt? I had to consciously stop that “sense.” Not every night is a restful night, but some are. Anyway, your turn will come…I am hopeful for you. In the meantime, your writing style is so appreciated. LOL

    Liked by 1 person

    • I must have been caught up in a deluge of fan mail when I got your comment. I can’t believe I never responded! Maybe I fell asleep and dreamed I was well-rested;) I look forward to the experience of waking up rested and ready for the day, but for now, I will rely on your words and keep writing mine.

      Liked by 1 person

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